My friend, Jim

I first met Jim almost two years ago. He was a referral from a friend. My friend misquoted my fee by half the price I generally charge, but I was happy to have a gig. I was just finishing up school and we were broke. At least I would be able to get take out pizza for the kids that night. I didn’t realize what an impact Jim would have on my life.

Jim is in his eighties. He has been suffering from Parkinson’s disease for over 30 years. When we first met, there were days he was able to walk with the help of a walker. Other days he would sit on the seat of the walker and his wife, Ann, would push him. It took quite a bit of effort to begin to understand what he was saying most of the time. Like many Parkinson’s patients in the later stages of the disease, his muscles were and still are very rigid and he lacks control of movement. Beyond all of this, his eyes are a beautiful sparkly blue, his smile is infectious and he is quite witty. Jim looks forward to my visits and I have grown fond of them as well.

My first scheduled appointment with Jim was for a Reiki treatment. He was unable to lay on his back on the massage table because he has trouble breathing while in a supine position. It took some time for him to position himself, with the help of Ann and I, on the massage table, but once he did, he would fall asleep in no time. He enjoyed the Reiki treatment but Ann thought that massage would be of greater benefit to him. Jim became my first regular massage client (still at the misquoted rate). Every Friday I would go to Jim’s house with my massage table and music. He would ask about the musical selection and marvel over the fact that I had so much variety on something smaller than a cell phone. I would spend an hour massaging the back of his head, his shoulders and back, and the back of his legs. Honestly, this was really difficult for me. For the first few months, I would take a deep breath, reach as far down into myself as I could and pull out all of the compassion I could find. This allowed me, on good days, to look beyond the physical structure in front of me and pour all the love I had into this man. I was able to look past the aged skin, the jerky movements, the body odor, and the excessive drooling. There were sessions that I needed to distract myself, though. I would read the spines of the books on a nearby shelf: Ideas and Opinions by Albert Einstein, A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. For some reason I loved that these three books were in a row. I often have visions of big open spaces when I work on Jim. I am sure that he feels trapped inside his body and I wonder if he sees these open spaces too. I wonder if he uses these visions as a way to cope.

His wife, Ann, is a lovely woman. She is a retired school teacher, her children are grown, and she now devotes her life to taking care of Jim. She has been his advocate with doctors and hospitals for years now. She is exhausted. I give her a massage every once in a while. She likes to chat about my children and current events. We banter about politics. Ann called me a couple of months ago to say that Jim was in the hospital in a coma. The doctors suggested Hospice. She wouldn’t hear of it and somehow Jim came out of the coma. I saw him last Friday for the first time since then. He is in a nursing home. I no longer need to bring my table, he can’t get out of bed. There are no signs that he even knows who I am or what I am doing. I think it was nice for Ann to see someone touching him with love, respect and compassion. It was no longer hard for me. Having Jim as a client has allowed me to grow as a human being. As I was getting ready to leave last week, Ann asked, ” If Jim is still alive next Friday, will you come and give him a massage?” I gave her a hug and assured her that I would be there. We cried together for a few minutes.

I am pretty sure Jim will be making his transition soon. I know it will be much better for him at that time. I am truely grateful and honored to have worked for and become friends with Jim and Ann. They have unknowingly given me much more than I gave them.

“I apologize for my fat legs.”

During a massage earlier this week, my client apologized for her fat legs! I wanted to say, “Are you kidding me?” I feel so bad for people who feel the need to ask for forgiveness for their body. I suggested that she try to think of all the things her legs do for her on a daily basis and to begin to look at them with a feeling of appreciation. Through the course of the massage, we talked a little about how she put the extra weight on and how she is beginning to try to lose it. A combination of stress, entering menopause, and a medication that had excessive weight gain as a side effect, all contributed to her present situation. Because of the stress she was under, her blood pressure started to rise. She was put on a medication to control it. Each month when she returned to the doctor, she would say that she was concerned about the fact that she was packing on the pounds. The doctor ignored it for a while and then one visit he finally said to her, “Maybe you should have your stomach stapled.” BASTARD! She soon found another doctor and switched medications. She is left with high stress levels, fluctuating hormone levels, and a lot of weight to lose.

I explained to her that she needed to find ways to control the stress. Once the stress levels come down, losing weight is much easier. Stress is the leading cause of all disease. The good news is that there are many effective ways to help us control it. Part of the problem is that most of the solutions take more time and effort than taking a pill and most people feel they are too busy to do what is right for their body. I am not saying that this is the case with everyone, but I see a great deal of people with stress related issues who choose to stay right where they are and have a long line of excuses as to why this is the appropriate choice for them. Some of our options include:

• yoga and/or meditation practice
• tai chi
• any excercise
• taking time in nature
• developing a spiritual practice
• laughing
• eating well
• learning to let go of what we can’t control
• simplifying life
• getting organized

Most of these are easier said than done and although the list may look simple, it certainly isn’t easy. Many of the tools require effort and commitment to begin to see positive results. Once those results are felt, we wonder what took us so long.

My client left that evening feeling a little more relaxed and holding a schedule of classes that focus on stress relief. I really hope I see her around the studio soon.

Nutritional tip #6-try kale (a couple of times). This link from mindbodygreen takes you to an article that explains why kale is so good for you and provides some preparation options. http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4072/Why-Kale-Is-the-Koolest-Vegetable.html

Recharging

I went home this past weekend. It was my beautiful mother’s birthday. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. It is really easy for me to block out the fact that I miss my family. I stay busy by focusing on work and the needs of my kids. I love what I do, where I work, and the friends I have made, but there is nothing like hanging out with my family for a couple of days. They are the funniest people I know.

The trip was short and sweet and I was back into my routine in no time. I feel different though. I feel recharged. I feel supported. Most importantly, I feel a renewed connection to the people I have known and loved the longest. Because of this, I feel the need to make more regular visits to the Philadelphia/Cherry Hill area. In order to make this more cost-effective, I have decided to offer some services while I am in the area. I’m talking to a few different people about the details. So far, the services will include massage and Reiki treatments. There is also the possibility of a yoga workshop. I am shooting for the beginning of August and the plan will be to work for a few days and then hang out and relax for a few days. I love the idea of reconnecting with some old friends and clients as well as making new connections. I am excited about the possibility of recharging myself while supporting and helping others to recharge at the same time.

Once I have a firm date and location, I will start booking sessions. I would appreciate any ideas or feedback you may have.

Oops! I originally posted this without a tip! Nutritional tip #5-ginger tea. Ginger tea not only aids in digestion but helps to calm and ground us. I have found myself recommending it to quite a few people lately. It can been made fresh very easily. You take some fresh ginger root and peel about a half an inch of the outer skin. Slice the exposed area and place it in boiling water for a few minutes. Ta-da! Fresh ginger tea! You can strain it if you wish and add honey or agave to taste. Perfect for after dinner. Enjoy!

the daily reprieve

With the news of Whitney Houston passing, I am reminded once again of how lucky I am. Addiction knows no boundaries. Color, gender, and creed have no power over the substance. I need this reminder. I am sad about the passing of a woman who clearly found at a young age what she was born to do. For a time, she was an example of how one person could shine so brightly without compromising their dignity. Although I was never a huge fan of Whitney’s, I always appreciated her amazing talent. And as someone who grew up in the 80s, her music is part of the soundtrack to my life. The disease of addiction doesn’t care. It shows no favoritism or partiality. Addiction doesn’t take into consideration a loving family or good job. Left alone, addiction leads to jails, institutions or death. The only escape that has worked for me so far is to not take a drink or a drug, one day at a time, for the past 15 years. It is not a cure. Just a daily reprieve. Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me that I can do anything for one day. This has not always been easy or fun. I wasn’t promised fun. I was promised, if I followed the suggestions, to never again have to feel desperation over a substance controlling my life. That is what I have received.

I remember feeling like I had no options. That people must have been lying when they said they hadn’t had a drink in 5 years. How could that be? Did they ever have fun? There must be something wrong with them. Little did I know just how much was wrong with me. I found in Alcoholics Anonymous what I have never been able to find anywhere else: a community of people who understand who I am and loved me anyway, a group that loved me when I wasn’t able to love myself, strangers that became friends and carried me through the first little while when I didn’t think I could stand on my own. To this day, I count on A.A. to be there when I need them and they have never let me down. I am a little ashamed to say that over the years, I have stopped giving back as much as I did before. I am hoping that in sharing this here, I will be able to possibly plant a seed for someone who may need it. There are always options.

It seems odd to now give a nutritional tip, but here it is: Tip #4-try something new! Next time you are in the produce section, pick up something that you have never tried before. Maybe some kind of squash or different green than you usually buy. We get into habits with our food and there is a whole world of fruits and vegetables waiting to be discovered. It doesn’t matter if you end up liking it or not. The point is to bring awareness to your food choices. Many of us operate on autopilot and miss the magic of appreciating what nature so freely provides.

keeping secrets from my heart and from my soul

I have been really digging the latest Florence and the Machine album. There is a line in one of the songs that says, “I’ve been keeping secrets from my heart and from my soul.” The first time I realized what she was saying, I was blown away. How many of us do this? I know I do and I am really good at it. As long as I don’t say anything to anyone else and I pretend it’s not happening, I can keep a secret from my heart and from my soul for a long time. The problem is that it starts to wear me down. Doing this actually begins a dangerous pattern within me. I begin to experience feelings of isolation and depression. The more I feel this, the less I communicate with others–even my friends. Before I know it, I have made subtle changes in my life in order to keep a secret. I wonder how many people can relate to this. Hearing the words in a song lyric was very validating that I wasn’t the only one.

Secrets are a big issue with me. I used to love them. I loved to keep them and I loved to tell them. I’ve been in many sticky situations because of secrets. I remember hearing in early sobriety that “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” Well, I was pretty sick! After being beaten by enough secrets, I avoid them like the plague. I beg friends and family not to tell me secrets. The burden is too heavy for something that usually doesn’t really matter anyway. I always end up saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and inevitably, someone is upset with me.

When clients confide in me, it is something very different. It is easy for me to carry their secrets, I guess because it really has no bearing on my life and I don’t usually know the cast of characters. I was able to experience this from a client perspective last week. I was trading energy work with a colleague and friend of mine. There was a personal issue going on with me that I had been denying to myself. Minutes after she starting working on me, she asked me about it point-blank. I laughed to myself and knew I needed to let go and say what has been happening out loud to another caring human being. Very much the same as the 5th step in a 12 step recovery program. The 5th step states that we are to admit to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Doing so provides us a freedom and the ability to “look the world in the eye”-Bill W. Once the secret was out, it no longer had any control. My heart and my soul were very much aware of what was going on. I knew that they knew and it made me think about ways to address the issue. It’s funny to me how much effort I can put into not dealing with things. I know I need to deal with it eventually, but I choose, instead, to torture myself for extended periods of time. Just another reminder that there is always room to grow. Progress, not perfection.

Nutritional tip #3–soup. There is an old Italian saying which says:  ”Soup does seven things. It relieves your hunger, quenches your thirst, fills your stomach, cleans your teeth, makes you sleep, helps you digest and colors your cheeks.”  That is a pretty big statement. I am not sure that it has done all of those things for me but I have been making soup a major staple in my diet for the past few months. I am lucky enough to have a personal chef (aka my husband) who gladly makes large pots of soup for me whenever I request. We make a run to the local farmer’s market and stock up on seasonal vegetables to use in the soup. There is usually beans or barley and sometimes a little meat. My husband has a natural talent with soup, along with many other foods.  I have attempted to make it myself a few times and I am never too happy with the results. It is for this reason that I am not providing a recipe. I trust there are many wonderful recipes in books and on the internet for anyone interested in trying their hand at soup making.

Once it is made, I freeze it in smaller batches. I am able to defrost a couple servings at a time. I heat it in the morning, put it in my thermos and take it for lunch most days of the week. I also have it for the occasional dinner when the rest of the family is having something I don’t care for. It’s nice to have on hand when I am short on time but in need of something nutritious to eat.

thank you, cancer

“The doctor says the cancer is back,” she told me very nonchalantly. “He said it’s slow growing and nothing to worry about, so I’m not going worry.”
Bullshit! I know what it’s like to have a doctor tell you that you have cancer. It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s great for someone to say that you don’t need to worry, but they aren’t the one with cancer! I’m sorry, I don’t believe that she won’t worry. And she should worry!

I was recently in a journaling workshop. One of the assignments was to write a letter to someone or something. I chose cancer. I thanked it for its visit. For leaving me with only two scars. I thanked it for the true gift I received from it: the ability and strength to live a life more in line with my ideals. You see, upon hearing the diagnosis, I realized that things couldn’t stay the same if I wanted different results. If I wanted my body to move towards wellness, I needed to support it in any way I could. Our bodies naturally seek to move towards homeostasis. Something like cancer can be a big red flag that our body is waving saying, “Hello! Over here!” Please don’t misunderstand me, I am not saying that all types of cancer are self induced. There are many cancers that we have absolutely no control over. In my case, I had melanoma. Because of my coloring, I am at a higher risk for this disease. I spent a lot of years mistreating my body and although I don’t feel like I was being punished for that, I do believe that there are far reaching consequences to our actions. I am far from perfect, but I try to make better decisions with regards to my overall wellness now. Whether it’s what I am eating or who I am speaking with or what I am reading. It really does all matter. I have a lot to do for the next 40 years and I want to do it in a body that feels good!

Anyway, we will find out more about my mother-in-law next week. She will start the craziness of doctors, tests, and treatments. That alone is enough to kill you. Maybe because there are so many people who have cancer, the people who work in the field seemed cold. There wasn’t to much hand holding or compassion. Going to get a PET scan was the worst. Actually the technicians who did it were very nice. The problem was that they came into my room wearing hazmat suits and carrying a metal case. They opened the case very carefully and injected me with radioactive liquid! It seems so crazy to inject a cancer patient with a known carcinogen like it’s business as usual. I feel sad that we don’t live closer to my mother-in-law. I would like to be there to support her and hold her hand. I hope the rest of the family is doing that. She is going to need it. I know she is worried.

Nutritional tip #2- know the dirty dozen. Go to http://www.ewg.org/foodnews/ and print a copy of the dirty dozen. These fruits and vegetables should be bought organic as much as possible. The list also includes the cleanest fruits and vegetables which are ok to buy conventional. Keep the list in your wallet so you can refer to it while shopping.

intuition

Learning to trust my intuition has not been easy. I am an habitual second-guesser. Not only do I allow my own mind to second-guess my ideas, but I allow and invite others to second-guess with me! For the past few years I have made developing my intuition a priority. I have seen others use knowledge received intuitively to really help other people physically and emotionally. I have witnessed and received this kind of help with amazement. On one hand it sparked something in me that made me feel like I would be able to do the same thing. On the other hand (the second-guesser’s hand), who am I to think I could have such a gift?

The first step was to start to listen to the information without questioning. I started small. This fruit or that fruit at the market. Which route to take on my drive home. But then, almost immediately, I started getting information to pass along to my clients. I would be in the middle of a massage or Reiki treatment and there would be this idea that wouldn’t leave. Often, the more I tried to think of other things, the louder the idea became. The idea could be about anything. Usually it was about ordinary life stuff. The person needing to take more time for themselves or acknowledging that the client was suffering from a broken heart. I have spent a lot of time questioning and second-guessing these ideas, fearful that it was my imagination going too far or that the client would think I was crazy. I would rationalize that they came for a massage, if they wanted a psychic reading, they would have gone to the metaphysical bookstore down the street. It was fear. After a while, as I became more comfortable, I realized that it didn’t happen with everyone. Maybe, I thought, it only happens if they are open to it. Maybe I need to say the information that is coming through. It was difficult. The information rarely ever makes sense to me. I have come to understand that it doesn’t need to make sense to me because I am just the vehicle. Holy crap! This was scary. Why did I want to be able to do this?

Here goes. I am massaging a woman who I have never met before, I get the feeling that a man in this woman’s life is very sick and not doing what the doctors are telling him to do. She needs to more closely monitor his medications and such. As I tentatively convey this information, she gets a smirk on her face and says, “I knew it!” It is her father who happens to be currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments for prostate cancer. She feels grateful for the heads up and I am relieved that she had any idea about what I was talking about! Another time, a young woman comes in for a Reiki treatment but gives me very little information about herself or what is happening in her life. Soon after the session begins, I feel the energy of a man in the room with us. He feels to me like a practical joker, comedian type. The thoughts in my mind are totally second-guessing! I am not even sure how to begin to tell this woman what I am feeling. As I try to push it away, it gets stronger. It starts crowding me. I know I need to let the words out. Finally, I take a deep breath and calmly try to say what I am sensing. There is complete recognition on her part. She cries and lets me know that it is her father who recently passed on. I am able to let them have a conversation through me. By the end we were both crying. I was so honored to have been able to be a part of something so meaningful. I have seen this woman many times since. She feels that the conversation she had with her father that day set her back onto the right track. She enrolled in school and is  doing positive things for herself. There are many stories similar to both of these instances.

I have also had the occasional client who denies everything I say. No, they aren’t suffering and they don’t believe in voodoo. I am getting better with this. Maybe my intuition is off that day or maybe they just aren’t ready. Either way, I am going to keep talking.

*I have decided to add nutrition and/or diet tips to the bottom of my posts. These tips are for healthy people.  Please don’t do anything against a doctor’s advice.

Nutrition and diet tip #1–fast. Start incorporating a daily fast of 12 hours. It’s not that hard to do if you stop eating after dinner. Our digestive system uses that time to catch up and get a little rest. If you don’t find it too challenging, you can do it for 15 hours once a week. Good luck and keep me posted!

200 hours

This past weekend I graduated from a wonderful yoga teacher training program. We spent 200 plus hours studying yoga. Yoga postures, yoga philosophy, the origins of yoga and what our instructor called “big yoga.” Big yoga is how we live our lives as practicing yogis, how we view and interact with the world around us. This experience has made such a positive impact on my life on so many levels. Although I have been practicing and teaching yoga for a few years, this program allowed me to dive deeper and uncover some strength I didn’t realize was there. The training also pushed me to expand in areas that I unknowingly had been holding back.

The most outward impact would have to be the change in my physical appearance. I lost close to 20 pounds during this four months of study. This was not at all the focus of the training, but I decided to take the opportunity to transform my body. Bringing more awareness to my grocery shopping, food preparation, and portions, allowed me to easily slim down without feeling deprived. I will discuss diet in more detail in a later post. The daily (or almost daily) practice of yoga postures aided the process. Because I was already teaching, there were a few days when I needed to teach two classes and take two classes within an 8 or 9 hour period. That’s a pretty intense amount of physical activity for someone who enjoys sleeping late, afternoon naps, and going to bed early. I’ve never been known for my athleticism. Committing to a daily practice though, has really changed the way I feel about movement and what it does for me. I am not only more physically fit, but I’m also more energetic and find that oversleeping is not as appealing as it once was.

Yoga is much more than just the physical practice (asana). There is ethics (yama), self-discipline (niyama), breath control (pranayama), sensory transcendence (pratyahara), concentration (dharana), meditation (dhyana), and realization (samadhi). These are guidelines from Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra, an ancient text containing steps leading to enlightenment. Taking time during the training to explore the other limbs of yoga, helped me to gain greater awareness and a deeper understanding of how yoga can help us, in all areas of our lives. It allowed me to connect even more with my spiritual nature. We spent time in meditation, we lost ourselves in chanting and we debated about ethics for modern times. Because of my past experiences, much of the subject matter was not new to me. But being immersed for hours at a time with a group of like-minded people brought something new to everything we did. We didn’t always agree on what was right or appropriate, but the fact that we were willing to discuss it in an open and honest way, with respect to each other made it a perfect environment to grow.

My loving family supported me and picked up the slack on those long, intense weekends. They are relieved it’s over and I can once again drive them to dance and baseball practice. I have inspired them to incorporate a yoga practice into their lives because they can see what it has done for me. One morning a week my 11-year-old son wakes up early before school to practice with me. It is a beautiful thing. Graduating from anything has always left me with bittersweet feelings and this time is no different. I made great friends and shared life enhancing experiences. I look forward to continued learning, sharing and growing.

Namaste.

forgiveness

The past couple years have been about growth and education for me. It seems like one class has rolled right into the next and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. With so much happening, I have gotten away from writing and sharing my adventures. I’d like to recommit because I think it will someday be interesting to witness the evolution.

I saw a new massage client today. Let’s call her Andi. She is a sweet woman, about my age. She suffers from insomnia, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, asthma, and low back pain. She is totally stressed out and and hasn’t taken any steps to help herself until today. She works full time, has a small child and a partner that works the night shift. I asked her if she was serious about getting well and she said yes. I started her treatment with energy work. I could immediately feel the huge burden she has been forcing herself to carry for a long time. I could feel she had made decisions in her life that she thought were mistakes. I could feel that she has been unable to forgive herself. Although the exact decisions weren’t revealed to me, I was aware that it was nothing of consequence at this time. It was things she was just unable to let go of and move past. As we started the massage, we spoke about her situation and how she could begin to tell herself a new story. We talked about the fact that it is her birth right to be happy and feel well on a regular basis regardless of what has happened in the past. I assured her that if she took certain steps towards this goal, she would not only feel better but that she would be a better mother and a more effective employee. Luckily, there was a full box of tissues because the flood gates broke open and I was able to witness a beautiful release. By the end of the treatment, Andi was feeling some relief.

I see so many women that suffer in a similar way. It’s like they are punishing themselves for things that were done or not done so long.  It’s a vicious cycle. The more they punish themselves by not doing good things for the body, the worse they feel. The worse they feel, the less good they do for the body. When we begin to see our own worth, and treat ourselves accordingly, we can begin to take more steps to loving and forgiving ourselves.

I live by a program that states, “We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.” The past has gotten me to where I am today, but it is not who I am today. We have all made what we consider to be mistakes, but for today, I choose forgiveness and love.

Namaste

yummy dessert

I made a dessert last night that was super delicious and caused a bit of a buzz, so here is the recipe!

Ingredients:

2 1/4  cups unsweetened almond milk

1/3 cup basmati rice

dash of salt

a little less than 1/4 cup agave

cinnamon, nutmeg, ground cloves

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Combine milk, rice and salt in pot and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer until rice is tender (about 30 minutes). Stir frequently during simmer. Remove from heat and add agave, vanilla, and a generous sprinkling of spices. Return to heat on low to allow for thickening. Serve warm or chilled.

I found that the pudding was a little soupy, although quite tasty, when I ate it warm. After sitting in the refrigerator overnight, I can see that the consistency is much more pudding-like.

Bon appetite!